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     Call me 2nd hand, 3rd or even 4th. Whatever it is, I'm broken. Beyond words. Last song. I won't end this blog. I'll see you all soon, don't worry. And though this goes without saying, I'm sure you all know alternative ways of contacting me. Think of me as being on vacation :) Check back on me in a month's time, give or take, if you want a rough time line. Sorry to make anyone worry...

P.S. Bet you expected something from Jeff Buckley huh? :)

"It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping
I can't imagine living my life after you're gone
Wondering why so many questions have no answers
I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong

Where is our yesterday
You and I could use it right now
But if this is goodbye

Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go

Here we are about to take the final step now
I just can't fool myself, I know there's no turning back
Face to face it's been endless conversation
But when the love is gone you're left with nothing but talk

I'd give my everything
If only I could turn you around
But if this is goodbye

Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you but you're too hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go

Just take my heart when you go (Baby take my heart)
I don't have the need for it anymore (I'll always love you)
I'll always love you but you're too hard to hold
Baby, just take my heart when you go
Just take my heart"

----- Mr. Big, "Just Take My Heart"

     Not much to say today. Someone else has already said it for me. Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Bob Dylan...

"If you see her, say hello, she might be in Tangier
She left here last early spring, is livin' there, I hear
Say for me that I'm all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I've forgotten her, don't tell her it isn't so.

We had a falling-out, like lovers often will
And to think of how she left that night, it still brings me a chill
And though our separation, it pierced me to the heart
She still lives inside of me, we've never been apart.

If you get close to her, kiss her once for me
I always have respected her for busting out and gettin' free
Oh, whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way
Though the bitter taste still lingers on from the night I tried to make her stay.

I see a lot of people as I make the rounds
And I hear her name here and there as I go from town to town
And I've never gotten used to it, I've just learned to turn it off
Either I'm too sensitive or else I'm gettin' soft.

Sundown, yellow moon, I replay the past
I know every scene by heart, they all went by so fast
If she's passin' back this way, I'm not that hard to find
Tell her she can look me up if she's got the time."

----- "If You See Her, Say Hello", Bob Dylan

     Denial's over. That leaves me with something I read a long time ago. Love, they say, is like taking a hammer and hitting your head over and over again with it, only because it'll feel so good once you stop.

"Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
And anyway I’ve got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place... Hey jealousy

And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down
'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place... Hey jealousy

She took my heart
There’s only one thing I couldn’t start"

----- The Gin Blossoms, "Hey Jealousy"

     So it's our country's birthday. That has hardly any significance on what I'm about to talk about. Just thought I'd point it out. Peculiar timing, life has eh? :)
     What am I going to delve into then? Ha, it's anyone's guess, including my own, considering the rather angry last post I made. So, what does that make me today? Tired. Big whoop. As if that made much of a difference? Well, it didn't. But I'm sure most of you knew that already. Honestly, I don't know what I'm writing right now. It's not as if I'm drunk or anything (though yes, I finally did get those few drinks I've been dying for). I'm just hoping that once again, as my fingers type, the subconscious will guide. Wishful huh? Well, we all have to hold onto something...
     I considered ending this Blog. Like, in the sense of wiping it's existence out of the Internet. It wouldn't have changed anything though. Lord knows, it wouldn't be fair to friends out there who bother to read this, and give me the time I need before asking me the obvious questions. Is it that hard for anyone to understand that I just want some time to myself, instead of having them push cliches into my face? Heh, I'll let you answer that one yourselves. You all deserve that much credit. By now, my entries aren't some pathetic cries for help. They're just an extension of myself. The fact that I'm writing shows that I haven't given up yet. On life in general at least :) "Hope is a dangerous thing", Morgan Freeman's character in the Shawshank Redemption once said. And he was right. But sometimes, when it's all you have, what have you got to lose?
     "Grow up"? "Be an adult"? "Let's be mature about this"? I've lost count of the number of times I've heard it. Lord knows I'm sure you're bored shitless from hearing/saying it too. Tell you what: You start first, I'll follow. I'll try saying it nicely now though: I know, just like you know. It's like, conciously standing in front of a moving vehicle. Speeding. You know you're about to be hit. You know you're going to be in a severe amount of pain (should you survive). It doesn't make the pain any less painful (wow, wasn't that redundant; but yet, neccesary). Like I said, give me some credit, and listen to me when I ask: There isn't anything you will already say that I already know. But it doesn't make it any less painful. If you choose to presume you're any better/mature/knowledgable than me in this instance, please go ahead, but know that I've most probably thought of a retort already. Whether I choose to use it is dependant on my mood. Please don't push me. I, like you, am only human. My pain is my own. It doesn't make it any better to share it.
     What does that leave me with? Being too tired to type anymore *sighs* I'll just leave it with a song. Big surprise huh? Bear with me. It shows I'm in a better mood (please compare this to the last post should you not believe me). Have fun. Enjoy the holiday. I'll see everyone soon. I love you. But it'll never be enough. Good night. I'll see all of you soon :)

"I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
Just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?"

----- John Mayer, "Why Georgia"

     I don't know anything anymore. Actually, that's not true. I have a better idea these days of what I'm feeling. I understand and acknowledge them, instead of hiding them under excuses. Even Daniel had to admit that (though whether he remembers it or not depends on how much he's had to drink just now...). So stop it. At 26 years-old, I'm not a fucking child. Honestly, do you think I'm stupid? Idealistic, definitely, but I KNOW it's not a bad thing. So bugger off. If you wanna know what I'm going through, you have my: handphone number/e-mail address/home address/there's a fucking comments option below each of my posts, so please, give me some credit, or else, leave me the fuck alone. Unless you can really be bothered, instead of doing it out of obligation (admit it, you do, and I KNOW, and for the next few months, I'll let you know too. I'm tired of being nice about it. Try it if you don't believe me). Please. If anything, for your sakes, more than my own... I'm just really tired. More than you could possibly want to know. How do I know that? 'Cause if you did, you'd have FUCKING ASKED ALREADY. Back off. Please. I'm begging you. I'm just really tired. I'll see you lot on Monday evening. Happy Fucking National Day. Majulah Fucking Singapura.

P.S. I didn't even have anything to drink writing this. HA, I wish I did...