*Printer Friendly

     Seems like I've a lot more to say these days huh? Oh yes, barely a week, and I'm back. It's been a bad week. You know it's bad when I can't be bothered to use anything more descriptive than "bad". The simplicity should be driving a stake of white hot terror into a crevice of your soul. But I'm guessing it isn't. Do tell me if it does though. I have a running bet with some friends :)
     So, for those who still don't have a clearer picture on how bad "bad" is, I'll try to paint you something. From my whole "Gene Angry! Gene SMASH! (Gene cry. Gene sad.)" mood I was going through last weekend (if the previous few posts haven't been some form of indication), I booked into camp tired. So. Fucking. Tired. And then, it occurs to me: I'm depressed. "Why yes, I have felt that way before..." To add to that, my boss is going ape-shit over each and everyone of us because of some pathetic ANNUAL MEDIC PROFICIENCY TEST we have to take next week. Basically, if we fail, we make him look bad. So he's been insulting us, throwing obscenity after obscenity at us, showering us with threats that hold about as much water as a hole in a piece of paper, and sarcasms so weak that an ant ejaculating could knock over. It finally boiled over yesterday. I was in no mood to entertain such treatment. Especially when it's towards ALL of us, the ones who've broken their backs to run HIS medical centre for him. He'd rather have the whole medical centre shut down and us studying for the blasted test. And he came close to it too yesterday. Had the longest... Hmm, how should I put this...? "Exchange of opinions" with him. Heh, that was polite, wasn't it? I don't accommodate bullies. And as I was leaving his office, it happened. A casualty came in, with a temperature of 41 degrees Celsius. And we did what we did best. "One life saved". There's something quite glorious when you see a helicopter lift off with a life saved. A life we saved. It was a respite we had badly needed. After months on end of paper work, I think my colleagues and I needed a little reminder as to why we were proud to be medics on Pulau Tekong. Really, it's easy to forget sometimes. And sometimes, it just seems impossible to forget...
     I'm getting over it. Heh, yeah, I notice that too. All the "I'll be"s and "I am"s. More importantly then: WHEN? I don't quite know. I figure it'll leave once I've figured out what I want. Heh, but then, you know what I want don't you? No, not you, you idiot. HER. Anyway, I've told you what I want, so there :)
     Ah yes, so very cryptic again am I *shrugs* I'm on a can of Red Bull and everything I'm listening to is at a fine low buzz. Like I said. So. Fucking. Tired. Why the Red Bull then? I'll be heading out in a while. Meeting some friends for a couple of beers. I've been spending my last 5 days indoors. I need to get out and take a walk. Where people won't recognise me. Where people won't even look at me. Heh, when I think about it, I'm not meeting friends. Nah, this group of people are merely acquaintances. They know fuck-all about me, I know fuck-all about them. I think it balances out quite nicely, don't you think? I need to feel alone. And what better way then to be just another face in the crowd? I'm reminded of a line from a book by one of my favourite authors, Douglas Coupland. It's from "Shampoo Planet". "The time you feel loneliest, is the time you need to be alone the most." Take a bite, chew on it a little, and tell me what you think. I'm off for a drink. And don't worry. No song lyrics for this one :)

     Well now, surprise surprise. Heh, 3 times a charm (or something like that) I guess? I digress...
     So if the previous post is anything to go by, yeah, I'm still regurgitating breakfast :) I'm just still talking 'cause I need to. I figure if I type as much as I can, something in this mass of words and lettering might actually describe perfectly what I'm trying to say (any luck yet?). Or maybe not.
     I'm losing it. My point, that is. My mind can go later, once Alzheimer's bought over the lease. Ugh, even my humour's taking a beating *sigh* Know what guys? I'm tired. Of being "OK". It's been more than a week, and I feel... Wrong. This goes beyond "accidentally wearing your dad's underwear" wrong. I'm severely out of synch with the rest of the world. Nothing I do seems to matter to me, and it's killing me to pretend that it does. You know what's sad? I'll say this now, but when I wake up tomorrow, I'll take in a deep breath, and carry on. Why? Because I have to. Because everyone else around me is wrapped up enough in their own fucking problems that it's fucking choking them to death, and God FORBID that I help pull the lever on their gallows...
     *sigh* I still care too much don't I? Seems like I never seem to know how to move on proper. It seems so much easier for everyone else to pretend that everything's okay. Huh. Well, it'll be back to work for me in a few hours. Sweet God I hope my boss doesn't piss me off this week. I'm severely itching for a confrontation with him, and it's been a while since I've had one proper. I'm still trying to see if I can push for a heart attack. Or at least a migraine. Heh, one thing at a time...
     Round and round we go. So many random thoughts. I hope this makes more sense to you lot. God knows I've given up trying to make sense of it meself. Then again, why the fuck should I? It doesn't always have to work out right? Pain will always be a part of the equation. Only thing that makes us feel alive right? No, seriously. I had a conversation with a friend earlier. How many people do you know who were happy before they became reknowned artists? (and let's not forget, most of them had to die first before any of us could really give a shit) Most I know of were tortured souls. And those who didn't take their lives lived with an infinite sadness. So hey, I guess I should be happy. Pain is a necessity. It makes us stronger. And God knows, the marks are more permanent. Best way to learn how to deal right? To evolve? To become stronger assholes who think that we know better, but we never truly do, do we? Heh, there's no answer to that one. It's a rhetorical on my part. Ah-ha, so witty am I...
     So there you go. Until next weekend. Or maybe not. Whatever. For tonight at least, I don't care. And one last bunch of useless lyrics for all of you to chew on. Enjoy.

"Don't know how
And I don't know why
There's been so many
Changes inside

Shed my skin
Cut my hair
Try to lose myself
Anywhere...

Tonight I won't be sleeping too soon
There's another game out there I'm waiting to lose

And when the talk gets cheap and my head gets too numb
To another broken heart I'll always succumb

But it's alright
I'll be okay
Is there more
That needs to be said..."

----- Gene Khor, Untitled

     And another weekend comes to a close. Well, nothing's taken a piss on me this week. Things are starting to look up :)
     It's been quiet. Heh, all of a sudden, I'm Blogging a lot more often eh? Guess I should find more to fill the time. This is, what, the second Blog this weekend? Yeah, I'm on a roll boys and girls! TWO Blogs in a weekend. Ha! Beat that :)
     I'm suddenly struck by this peculiar sensation. A "something's missing" kinda feeling (obviously). Even as I'm typing, I suddenly have no idea why I should even bother. It's not as if I have anything new to say tonight. I guess it's kinda like when you're drunk, and the room won't stop spinning. So you induce vomit. And even when there's nothing else to regurgitate, you're still stuffing your hand down your throat. So yeah, I'm puking my guts out here...
     Heh, I feel as lost as you guys are right now, reading this drivel. I guess I'm just trying to find something to hold onto right now. Something that'll help me move on. Something that'll show me that I could possibly be making some form of progress. And all of a sudden, I'm struck by another realisation. My words tonight have never been emptier...
     So I'll leave you with these words that at least, might mean something. Lyrics to an old song. Haven't heard it in ages. Hope you guys like it. Find your own meaning. Mine are mine! :)

"What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go"

----- Sarah McLachlan, "Do What You Have To Do"

     Hullo everyone. Alive and kicking am I. It's 3:30 in the bloody AM (regardless what the line below stating the time that this was posted says), and I don't feel any sleepier *sighs* It's one of those days. Forgive the wet depressive blanket I'm about to throw. If it makes anyone feel better, I'll be using it to wrap myself up in it. So there :)
     Heh, that's me. Always a smile somewhere eh? I have to. Everytime I flip open the papers, or switch on the TV, I'm reminded that there're worst things happening out there. Seriously. Our problems can't compare. We owe it, not to just ourselves, but to the people around us that we love to carry on. Not as if nothing's happened though. That would cheapen any efforts strangers around us have made. We can't have that can we? We're supposed to know better. Don't we...?
     No worries. Really, I'm fine. I've just had a few drinks, and the cool drizzly weather just adds to the effect. I have great friends. The best. And a round of applause to my parents too. Heh, I owe them too much.
     Anyone who's reading this would most probably know me well enough. Heh, I write for my friends, as much as myself. So I apologise to all of you. I think it's only right for you lot to know that I'm only human too. That, vicious optimism or not, I'm as alone as the rest of you when I lay my head upon my pillow and close my eyes.
     It's been a bad week. Not because of how it went, but more on how it started. You know how I thought it couldn't get any worse? Heh, well...
     So last Sunday, I'm hanging out at a friend's friend's place. He has an adorable mongrel. Friendliest thing in the world. Has a bad habit of humping inanimate objects though. Went 15 minutes on my bag (yes, that bag). That, I didn't mind. When it started taking a 5 minute piss on it, that's when I started getting a tad miffed. *sigh* How does that line go again? When it rains, it pours...
     I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I'll be okay. No, really. Give me the time. I'm only human :)

"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me"

----- Bonnie Raitt & Bruce Hornsby, "I Can't Make You Love Me"

     A Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year everyone. Yes, I've (barely) survived both holidays :) Hope it was good for all of you too. On a side note, it's been, to the day, exactly a year since this Blog was set up. 2004 was a fast one (for me, at least). It's been eventful enough for me. Definitely better than 2003. With all the commotion currently going on though (snow in the UAE?), I only dread what's to come this year. Well, you know me. Ever the vicious optimist. "What could go wrong?" Heh, yeah, I know. I've jinxed it already...
     Well, Christmas was good. Got plastered, and received a bevy of delicious gifts. A very sweet bracelet, where the design is based on the Final Fantasy video game. A simple sleeveless T-shirt (I always welcome clothes as gifts). Another Zippo. And a book titled "The Massive Swelling". I know, the title is rather suggestive isn't it? Well, it isn't what you think (dirty, dirty little children you all are *tsk tsk*). It describes itself as "Celebrity Re-examined as a Grotesque Crippling Disease and Other Cultural Revelations". Heh, how can you say no to a book which presents itself as such? :)
     My New Year's was a quaint affair. Barbecue and drinks at a good friend's place. Ugh, I can never look at another bratwurst the same way again. Too much of a good thing boys and girls. Something was missing though. Sadly. Heh, what'm I going on about? I'm not sure how else I can say this. So I won't. Instead, I shall publish the lyrics to a song below, and giving all of you children the benefit of the doubt, let you guys figure it out yourselves. A parting message at least? You lot ask for quite a bit don't you? :) Well, to quote the Counting Crows song, "A long December, and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last..." Take care everyone, and if anything I will be okay :)

"Yes indeed I'm
Alone again
And here comes emptiness
Crashing in
It's either love or hate
I can't find in between
'Cause I've been with witches
And I have been with a queen

It wouldn't have worked out any way
So now it's just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now it's just another lonely day

Wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
But temptation from you
But I'd rather walk alone
Than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself
Than let you drag me down

It wouldn't have worked out any way
And now it's just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now it's just another lonely day

Yesterday seems like a life ago
'Cause the one I love
Today I hardly know
You I held so close in my heart oh dear
Grow further from me
With every fallen tear

It wouldn't have worked out any way
So now it's just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now it's just another lonely day"

----- Ben Harper, "Another Lonely Day"